Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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