Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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