You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The best revenge is premature balding
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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