i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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