I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.