my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
