Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
