Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
