i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
