guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
