I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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