Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
