ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
