what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
