In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
This toilet bowl is my home.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
