he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
