Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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