you guys were way drunker than both of me
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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