i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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