is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
