I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
