i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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