I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
i think my cat just said my name.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
