The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My liver just had a heart attack.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
