look no pants
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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