my phone needs a breathalizer
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
i now understand why vodka
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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