i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We had sex on a dog bed..
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
