And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize