so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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