dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
