The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
