Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
