I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
