I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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