Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
