It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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