fuck your aforementioned shoe
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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