She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
