he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
