he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
