Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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