It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
