We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
