I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
