sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
