well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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