I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
