life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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