Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
