This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
