alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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