Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
