I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
