Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
