I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
