this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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