God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
