I feel like abortions should bother me more
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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