This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
