she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
