dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
